Wow, this is going to challenge two long-standing rules we impose on ourselves out of nothing more than simple decency. We do not ever, ever ever ever do anything but show respect for someone who has gone through any kind of substance abuse or is currently going through it. We doubt there’s a reader out there who hasn’t been touched in some way by the disease. Furthermore, we do not mock in any way the normal aging process. We didn’t even mock Trump’s obvious diapers because why? Yes, Trump would be the first to do so about others, does that mean we should go to his level? Hell no.

But now we have to deal with Rudy, who insists he is neither crazy nor an alcoholic.

We are not mocking him when we note that we have never once run into a very smart. very sane person, who has ever once said, “I am not stupid and I am entirely sane.” Ever notice that? Think back to your smartest teachers, your doctor, lawyer, your favorite writer… have you ever once heard them say “I am not stupid and I’m entirely sane”? (Forget momentarily that the best writers and artists might be a little insane, just sayin’) It is the exact same way for crazy people. Did Barack Obama stand at the podium and say “I’m not crazy”? When you are talking to your pharmacist who is sweet, smart, and caring, has she ever said, “And you know, I’m not crazy.”

As for alcohol, that’s almost easier. The woman you date who orders a glass of wine at dinner doesn’t breathlessly look you in the eyes and say, “I’m not an alcoholic.” Your surgeon doesn’t say, “Oh, and I’m not an alcoholic,” to you while wheeling you down to the OR (Or if he does, you jump off the gurney and ask who else might be on call). Your best friend since high school who you saw drunk once in college and never since has never said, “I’m not an alcoholic.” There are closet drinkers but they don’t say anything because they’re in the closet.

The only people who do interviews in which they insist they are neither crazy nor alcoholics are people generally assumed to be Rudy Giuliani:

Almost 20 years after being dubbed America’s Mayor, Rudy Giuliani says he knows that people think he’s gone off the rails. “I don’t care,” he told NBC New York during a recent interview at the World Trade Center Memorial in which he discussed everything from the prospect of going to jail to allegations he is an alcoholic.

First of all, “I don’t care” is not the same as “I am not crazy.” The correct answer to that question is a smile, and something like, “Next question?”

Asked about the widespread perception that he’s changed and even squandered his 9-11 legacy in recent years, Giuliani said, “I am aware of that. And what’s happened is, our country has gone off the rails…I’m exactly the same person. They changed!”

Wrong. The correct answer is “Well, I’m twenty years older, I hope I’ve changed. I’ve seen a lot and been through a lot. I sure hope that it’s changed me.

“I don’t think I’ve ever done an interview drunk. I mean, I drink normally. I like Scotch, I drink Scotch,” he said. “I’m not an alcoholic,” Giuliani insisted. “I’m a functioning, I probably function more effectively than 90 percent of the population.”

Wait. Wait. Wait. “I don’t think I’ve ever done an interview drunk”? If one has done ONE interview drunk, it stands out as a huge embarrassment and a press release, “I had had too much to drink that night and should not have been addressing.” That is like saying, I’ve gotten married while drunk… maybe not. If anyone has it’s Rudy. The part about “I drink normally… eh, well, usually goes without saying but okay. “I like Scotch”! While denying that one is an alcoholic, mentioning your favorite hard drink is probably not a good idea. It is certainly different than “I’ll have a cold Bud Light at the beach once in a while.”

Last, “I’m functioning”? Define “functioning.” Standing upright? Speaking English? Knowing one is answering questions? Not passed out in a ditch thirty miles south of Tijuana? And “population” of what? Never mind, we don’t mock either elements.

We mock Rudy Giuliani. Wait, wait, we don’t mock Rudy. We just report on him. He mocks himself.

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